From Birth Control Believer to NFP Diva: My Story

Despite being raised Catholic and having attended Catholic school my entire schooling, I had never learned or been taught about the Church’s teachings on birth control.  I take that back, I think it was mentioned once during one of my senior religion classes.  I honestly can’t remember a single homily in which it was mentioned.  I can only recall as a young girl hearing adults talk about the Church’s position on birth control and getting the distinct impression that the Church was mad to think that such a (clearly) outdated teaching applied to anyone’s real, actual life. 

Like many teenagers in the U.S., I was raised on a regular diet of TV sitcoms, music and movies that portrayed underage sexual activity as normal and expected.  And though it wasn’t overtly discussed, my home life also seemed to support (or at least not challenge) the cultural norm of teen sex and of course, “responsible” birth control. 

I became sexually active at the very young age of 16.  I’m almost 30 now and when I see or meet 16 year olds today, I can’t even believe that I was doing what I was doing then.  “Babies,” the inner maternal voice pipes up.  At 16 (going on 30), I was in a serious relationship and “going all the way” seemed like the next logical step.  My mother was fully supportive of me going on the pill and utilizing whatever birth control I needed to prevent an "accident."  It wasn’t even questioned; it was “being responsible,” mature, prudent.  I was a good student and had a steady boyfriend, so I wasn’t being particularly devious in my parent’s eyes.  

This permissiveness was detrimental for several reasons.  In retrospect I was much much too young to understand the effect that being sexually active was having on my still-childish psyche.  After beginning to engage in sexual activity, the emotional attachment that unhealthily formed between my boyfriend and I was intense and ruled by capricious emotional swings.  It clouded all judgment and rational thinking (not that that's in high supply for teenagers to begin with).  In hindsight, I can now see perfectly clearly how sex in the absence of the true commitment of marriage can wreck tremendous emotional havoc for a couple, let alone confused, immature teenagers.  For better or for worse, sex forges deep emotional bonds between two people.  For a teenage girl, this proved to be disastrous because I didn’t know the first thing about choosing a good, quality partner.  Instead, I became convinced that I was in love with someone who was actually of very poor moral character.  I became emotionally attached to a "bad boy" who was too immature and irresponsible to have my best interest at hand.  In the right context (marriage), emotional attachment via sexual union is good and strengthens the relationship.  In the absence of true commitment, it is a very insecure and tenuous bond that may break at any moment.  

Additionally, I began to experience a myriad of negative side effects from being on the pill.  I immediately became clinically depressed (not realizing that this is a major side effect of the pill).  After being naturally thin my whole life, I quickly gained 50 lbs and was on the road to becoming insulin-resistant.  No matter how much I ate, I was constantly hungry.  I felt sick, nauseous and suffered headaches often.  I also used the morning-after pill numerous times, not realizing that its abortifacient property causes it to prevent the implantation of an already-fertilized egg.  I even had a cervical diaphragm at one point.  I used condoms and spermicides liberally.  Worst of all of the methods I employed, I had a copper IUD inserted at a local Planned Parenthood when I was 18 that caused a tremendous amount of physical pain as well as recurrent horrific pelvic infections.  I was also unaware that the copper IUD works primarily as an abortifacient by irritating the uterus and thus preventing a fertilized egg from implanting.  To this day, I have no idea whether or not I ever became pregnant without knowing it.

Without a doubt, the best thing to come out of all of my emotional/physical/relational turmoil was the fact that I began to feel a strong pull to deepen my relationship with God.  I began to read scripture.  I learned pretty quickly that sex outside of marriage was proscribed.  It bothered my conscience to know that I was not obeying God’s teachings, but inwardly, I pretended to be ignorant.  I wanted to do things my way.  I willfully ignored my conscience, hoping that everything was just going to be fine and "work itself out" in the long run.  Deep down, I knew that God wasn’t going to bless my choice to do the very things that were harming me spiritually, emotionally, physically.  But he was always there.  Waiting.    

After much fighting and drama, I finally left behind the bad relationship I had been in.  It was then that I decided to wipe the slate clean and made a commitment to save sex for marriage.  I decided I wanted to follow God completely because “doing it my way” proved disastrous and painful.  There was tremendous peace in making this decision.  My conscience rested.  I knew from my previous experience that not getting sexually active before marriage, I would finally be able to really evaluate the character of a potential spouse and our compatibility instead of getting caught up in the false attachment that sex can bring.  Instead of focusing on sex, we could focus on really getting to know one another.  I also knew that if my future spouse was also on board with the no-sex-till-marriage thing, he was a keeper. 

At this point, I still hadn’t been enlightened to the Church’s teaching on birth control and NFP, but I was at least moving in the right direction for the first time.  It wasn’t until my now husband and I were dating that I finally learned about NFP and the Church’s teaching on birth control, courtesy of my sister who was a much stronger Catholic than I was.  And let me tell you, I was none the least pleased to learn that the Church was against birth control.  I was irritated and skeptical at best.   

At the time, the Church’s ban on birth control seemed to me a man-made rule that the Church was trying to impose on my life.  Is it not enough that I’m saving myself for marriage?!   I thought.  Now the Church wants me to sacrifice even more?!?!  The idea of having to periodically abstain sounded impossible!  If Protestant denominations allowed contraception, what could be so bad about it?  I felt that celibate priests were completely out of touch with reality.  I couldn’t see why a married couple using contraception was such a big deal, a sin even!  I tried to put it out of my mind, but my conscience kept nagging at me to dig deeper.  So instead of continuing to be angry and dismissive, I finally decided to actually read up on why the Church taught what it did about NFP/contraception.  I read Christopher West’s book The Good News About Sex and Marriage and was completely floored by the truth.  When you come in contact with the truth, there is no mistaking it.  It feels like your heart has been pierced with, well, truth.    

I was blown away by Theology of the Body.  I had never heard anything before like it.  It was heart wrenchingly beautiful.  Revolutionary.  Whereas before, I could only see it in terms of paternalistic rules and regulations, I could now see that the Church truly wants spouses to be one: to experience sexuality in its most elevated and supreme form.  No pretense, no barriers: experiencing the divine.  This was about total radical self-giving.  Instead of it somehow taking away from me or denigrating me as a woman, NFP elevates and dignifies a woman and her body just as God masterfully designed it.  This wasn’t about the church trying to insert itself into my bedroom, this was the church encouraging us to allow God’s grace to flow through and sanctify our marriage. 

I knew that I wanted to experience this beautiful, raw, radical self-giving love in my future marriage.  I was also very attracted to NFP because it involves no chemicals or devices.  After having harmed by body for years on contraception, I was excited at the prospect of just being free and completely natural.  Never again would I have to find a condom, device, or doodad when wanting to be intimate with my spouse.  No more trying to remember to take a pill that makes me feel like crud and ruins my health.  I could never ever go back to contraception.  By the way, after I stopped taking the pill, I dropped those 50 pounds pretty quickly.  My depression and headaches also cleared up.  I also won the lotto---ok, ok, only kidding about that last one.  #wishfulthinking

My next task was to inform my new boyfriend that I was only going to agree to using NFP for my future marriage.  This was a make-it-or-break-it moment for us because if he wasn’t on board with it completely, there was no way it was going to work out for us.  (See, he is a convert and NFP was new to him too).  Much to my happiness, he was totally on board with NFP.  I started charting when we got engaged and by the time we got married, I felt pretty prepared to handle charting and interpreting my cycles.  

Granted, after having been on birth control for years, it was admittedly scary letting go of the notion of a safety net and control against the imagined worst-case scenario of pregnancy.  However, in the past 5 years of marriage, it has worked perfectly for us.  The times that we were avoiding/postponing pregnancy, it worked perfectly.  The two times that we conceived, it worked perfectly, as in, we got pregnant the first try, both times.  (Not to create false hope for couples looking to conceive, but what can I say, we’re Latin!)

So all in all, it has been a wonderful, and yes, at times challenging lifestyle.  But not challenging in the where’s-the-closest-bridge-so-I-can-throw-myself-off kind of way…challenging in the following Christ kind of way.  I could never go back to contraception and I could never recommend anything other than living NFP to plan family size.   I'm also happy to report that my mom has also changed her stance on birth control and fully embraces all of the Church’s teachings. God has been good.  As a result of my personal experience with contraception and my return to Catholic living, I felt compelled to share my story with anyone who’s interested in listening.  I now give talks to engaged couples through my local parish about NFP and the Church’s teaching on birth control.  Herein lies the purpose of this blog.  I hope you enjoy and never stop challenging yourself and digging deeper to a more fulfilling and Christ-centered life.  Peace.

NFP and the Catholic Church's teaching on Contraception: Questions and Answers

I give a talk to engaged couples at my local parish about NFP and the Church's teaching on birth control.  Here is some of the text that we give to couples with straightforward questions and answers.  There's even a little bit about masturbation in there as it is a question that is often raised at our engaged encounters.  Enjoy!

1.  So why is the Church opposed to unnatural forms of birth control?  Why is it the Church’s business to involve itself in my bedroom?

            When the Church teaches that something is harmful or sinful, it doesn’t do it to be a paternalistic killjoy that sucks the fun out of life.  It does it because it cares about people not getting hurt and living the best lives possible, for the life here as well as the one to come.  In fact, the Church wants us to follow the path that will make us the most happy.  The Church wants to share with us the very good news about sex and wants us to experience radical self-giving love.  Wanting what is best for us means that the Church must also inform us that there are some things that will not ultimately make us happy and can actually harm us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Like any good parent, the Church is going to tell us what is best for us as well as when we are in error.  

            Taking its cues from scripture, tradition and the guidance of the Holy Spirit as promised by Jesus, the Church has taught for 2000 years that sex was meant for marriage.  God has ordained us toward marriage for our own benefit and no other setting is more ideal for the raising of children.  Any sex outside of marriage is sinful and problematic for a number of reasons.  Some are obvious: children born out of wedlock (abortion, abandonment, etc.), STDs, broken hearts/depression, affairs (divorce)—there are many studies to back these realities up.  Other reasons may be a little less obvious: spiritual harm, separating ourselves from Jesus and His grace in our lives, to name a few.

            Likewise, the Church is opposed to birth control not only because of the physical harm it can cause to its users and to the unborn, but also because of the harm it does to individuals and society.  At first glance, birth control may sound like a good and prudent thing, but the truth is that birth control leads to a “contraceptive attitude” that is completely opposed to the gift of new life.   Take a moment to consider the following:

Sex, by God’s design, has two primary purposes:

·      To unite, to bond, to give love (Unitive)

·      To make babies (Procreative)

            Christ taught us that what God has joined together, man must not separate (Mark 10:9).  God joined sexual intercourse with the creation of new life.  When we try to strip sex of one of its innate purposes, all sorts of disorder results.  When the life-giving aspect is removed from sex, sex becomes the hedonistic pursuit of pleasure.   Approximately 3600 babies are aborted each day in the US because this contraceptive mentality puts disordered pleasure above the dignity of human life (stat based on Guttmacher institute’s report of 1.3 million babies aborted annually in US).

            Since the sexual revolution, birth control has also lead to an amplified view of (especially) women as objects, to be used for pleasure with no commitment.  Initially, birth control was proposed for married couples to control their family size, but very quickly, people realized that it could be used to have sex without marital commitment.  Once the contraceptive mentality took hold of our culture, affairs, divorce rates, out-of-wedlock pregnancy rates, and abortions skyrocketed.

            The Church cannot also support certain types of contraceptives due to the physical harm they can cause to the woman’s body and to the unborn.  The World Health Organization has listed hormonal contraception as a class 1 carcinogen (cancer-causing substance) right alongside plutonium, asbestos, arsenic, formaldehyde, cigarette smoke, etc.  Some contraceptives such as the IUD, progesterone-only-pills, the morning-after pill, Norplant, Depo Provera (the ‘shot’) are actual abortifacients (abortion-causing substances) because their primary method of action is to prevent the implantation of an already fertilized embryo (a new unique human life).

             

2.  Ok, so just because contraception has had a negative effect on society, how is it necessarily harmful to us as a married couple?  We just want to use it to prudently plan our family size—what could be so bad about that?

            Ultimately, the Church wants what is best for a couple.  Marital sexuality brings spouses closer to each other and to God.  Contraceptive sex puts a wedge between the husband and wife because they are not fully giving themselves to one another.  Instead of giving themselves completely, they are holding back a part of themselves (their fertility). In a very real way, they are saying “yes I want you, but just not all of you (not your fertility), I take you for better (for the pleasure and enjoyment of sex), but not for the imagined worse of becoming pregnant.”  Blessed Pope John Paul II said that when we use contraception, we are “lying with our bodies.”  Whether we’re conscious of it or not, this has a deep impact on the emotional and spiritual health of our relationships.

            In contrast to contraception, NFP is completely natural and causes no harm to the body.  After the initial investment in the NFP class & thermometer, it costs nothing.  It is the “green” way to go.  It strengthens the marital relationship because it facilitates open communication and cooperation.  The couple has to work together to live out NFP.  The periods of abstinence also strengthen the relationship because instead of relying solely on sex for intimacy, the couple learns to cultivate intimacy in other ways.  It builds character.  It can keep sex fresh and exciting because the periods of abstinence give you something to look forward to, as well as help the couple cultivate non-sexual ways to be close and affectionate.  When the couple is ready to become pregnant it is immediately “reversible” and there’s no waiting period before trying to conceive.  It helps the couple identify when they’re the most and least fertile so that they can have better success when trying to conceive.  The sympto-thermal method is >99% effective in preventing pregnancy.  Following God’s truths and having clear consciences also blesses the marriage tremendously. 

3.  So are we expected to keep having as many kids as physically possible until we can’t have any more?  That sounds downright irresponsible in this expensive day and age.

            No, the Church does not teach that a married couple needs to have as many children as possible until reaching infertility.  The Church teaches that the couple may use NFP to plan their family size, provided that they aren’t limiting their family size for self-centered reasons (e.g., wanting the latest and greatest objects, vacations, homes, cars, etc.).  Since children are the supreme gift of marriage, the Church does not want us to limit the blessing of children for selfish reasons.  The Church urges us toward generosity when considering the gift of new life.  As such, a couple should pray together and discern their family size on an ongoing basis.  If there is a serious reason (be it financial, physical, mental, psychological, health) to delay having children, the couple may use NFP (not contraception) to plan their family size.      

4.  Where is contraception mentioned in the bible?

           

            Contraception and contraceptive acts are mentioned in Genesis (38:8-10) and Galatians (5:20).  In Genesis, we learn about a man named Onan who deliberately renders the sexual act infertile and as a result God takes his life as punishment.

            In Galatians, Paul condemns “pharmakeia”, the use of potions/drugs/poisons for harmful purposes.  Pharmakeia is specifically mentioned in the context of condemning sexual sins.

           

5.  Other Christian churches are okay with it, why isn’t the Catholic Church with the times?

            Before 1930, ALL Christian denominations opposed contraception.  Even the anti-contraception laws of 1800s were passed by a Christian protestant legislature.  During the Lambeth conference of 1930, the Anglican Church, under tremendous social pressure, became the first Christian group to permit the use of birth control.  It was initially intended for use by married couples and only in limited circumstances.  However, over time virtually all other Christian denominations gave into societal pressure and gradually accepted contraception.  ONLY the Catholic Church has proclaimed the same consistent message that contraception is always wrong and harmful for families and society for the reasons mentioned in the previous questions.  It is the Church’s job to instruct the truth about sexuality—the same truth that does not change simply because society’s behavior and morals change.

6.  But I’ve been told that birth control is healthy and my doctor even prescribed it for a medical reason. 

            The Church is not opposed to the use of hormones for the treatment of a medical condition.  If a doctor has prescribed hormones for a genuine medical reason, there is no moral conflict with Catholic teaching because the primary aim is to treat an ailment, not to prevent the transmission of new life.  If the use of hormones as a medical treatment has the unintended effect of preventing pregnancy, the person taking them is not guilty of any wrongdoing (principle of the double effect). 

            It is debatable whether hormonal birth control can be considered "healthy" when it also carries a myriad of health risks.  Ultimately, if a woman must take hormones for a serious medical condition, she and her doctor must weigh the benefit vs. the risk of potential side effects.  In many cases, other treatment options can be explored.

7.  Surely, there could be legitimate reasons to control family size or space births.  Contraception lets you do that, so what’s the problem?

            The problem is that the ends don’t justify the means.  Yes, there are legitimate reasons to control family size or space births, but that doesn’t justify using something intrinsically wrong (contraception).  For example, if I need to support my family financially, I would not be justified in robbing banks to achieve that outcome.  We cannot do evil so that good may result.  NFP is a morally acceptable alternative. 

8.  Isn’t NFP simply “Catholic birth control”?

            No, it definitely is not.  Though contraception and NFP may have the same end result (not becoming pregnant), they both achieve this in very different ways.  In the case of NFP, you respect God, God's design, and your spouse.  In the case of contraception, you reject God’s design, disrespect your spouse, and put yourself above God.  That said, one can even have a contraceptive attitude in using NFP.  It should only be used for the legitimate reasons discussed earlier.

9.  We’ve already been having sex and using contraception, is it too late for us to start over fresh?

            Of course not!  Even if your wedding is only a week away, it is never too late to wipe the slate clean and start anew.  If you haven’t been perfect in this regard, now would be a great time to go to confession and start out fresh.  Making the decision to get right with God and to do what’s best for your marriage is never a decision you will regret.  If you have a better chance of starting your marriage on the right foot, why wouldn’t you give it a try?

10.  Lastly, why is masturbation considered a sin by the Catholic Church?  I’ve always heard health experts and psychologists say it’s completely healthy and natural.

           

            Even if masturbation had some miraculous health benefit, it would still not be morally acceptable because sexual activity was intended for selfless giving within marriage, not for self-centered, self-directed pleasure.  According to chastity.com:

            “To understand why masturbation is wrong, we need to step back from the world’s constant clamoring for the fulfillment of sexual “needs” and go back to God’s plan for sex. Sexuality is meant to be a gift between a husband and wife for the purpose of babies and bonding. When it is taken out of that context, the gift is degraded and, in the case of masturbation, altogether ceases being a gift. The purpose of sexuality is abandoned, because the center of the sexual act becomes “me” instead of “we,” and the person is trained to look to himself for sexual fulfillment. The gift of sexuality is misused for the sake of lifeless pleasure… (the) goal in sexual activity has been reduced to merely receiving pleasure instead of showing love.  A person who does not preserve his own purity when alone will have a difficult time remaining pure with another.”

            Closely linked to masturbation is the use of pornography, which is gravely sinful because it reduces another person to an object and cheapens the sexual act.  Be honest, no healthy person would want his or her mother/father, daughter/son, sister/brother to star in a pornographic film or be viewed in such a way.  Recent research has revealed a startling new problem with men as young as their 20s suffering from erectile dysfunction due to the extensive use of pornography and masturbation.  According to the US journal Psychology Today, younger men have been so over-stimulated by porn that regular sexual activity can no longer “turn them on” and they are unable to achieve or maintain an erection and/or reach climax with a real woman.  The report, called 'Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction is a Growing Problem', explains that the loss of libido 30 years earlier than what is expected is caused by continuous over-stimulation of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that activates the body's reaction to sexual pleasure, by repeatedly viewing pornography on the internet.  
     So in a nutshell, pornography is a selfish act that misuses sexuality and treats another person as nothing more than a means to garnering pleasure.  Overcoming pornography/masturbation addiction can be extremely challenging but with prayer and diligence, it can be overcome.  There are many fantastic resources out there.

Written by J. Sanchez and Edited by C. Schussman 2012

I just discoverd a NFP smartphone app and I am thrilled!

So I've been practicing NFP (sympto-thermo method) off and on for the past 4+ years that hubby and I have been married.  I actually started charting almost a year prior to getting married so that I could get the hang of things before we were in "live" mode (giggle). 

I've always scoffed at the idea of using an app for my fertility calculations and instead preferred old-fashioned hand-written charts (I'm a paper-and-pencil kind of girl).  Well, I finally decided to take the plunge and lo and behold I have found an awesome NFP charting app!  I checked out a few before I happened upon OvuView for my Android phone.

I'm super excited to be able to check on and keep track of my cycles on my phone instead of having to lug down my heavy NFP binder from it's home on the top of our bookshelf.  Granted, I will still write down the essential cycle info on paper, but the next time hubby's advances raise the question as to where I am in my cycle, instead of having to consult "the binder", I can conveniently switch on my nifty new app.

There are several things that I really like about this app.  I like that it allows you to put in our shortest and longest cycles based on the previous 6 months.  It also relies and a multitude of different rules/methods for helping you predict fertility.  You can even put in what mood you're in on a given day and a comical little emoticon will show up on your calendar.  Admittedly (sheepishly), I had to add an "angry" emoticon for yesterday.  The ticked-off little emoticon face was a bit of a crack up.

So all in all, it's a great app that I highly recommend.  'Nuff said.