Despite being raised Catholic and having attended Catholic
school my entire schooling, I had never learned or been taught about the
Church’s teachings on birth control. I
take that back, I think it was mentioned once during one of my senior religion
classes. I honestly can’t remember a
single homily in which it was mentioned.
I can only recall as a young girl hearing adults talk about the Church’s
position on birth control and getting the distinct impression
that the Church was mad to think that such a (clearly) outdated teaching applied
to anyone’s real, actual life.
Like many teenagers in the U.S., I was raised on a regular diet of TV
sitcoms, music and movies that portrayed underage sexual activity as normal and
expected. And though it wasn’t overtly
discussed, my home life also seemed to support (or at least not challenge) the cultural norm of teen sex
and of course, “responsible” birth control.
I became sexually active at the very young age of 16. I’m almost 30 now and when I see or meet 16 year
olds today, I can’t even believe that I was doing what I was doing then. “Babies,” the inner maternal voice pipes up. At 16 (going on 30), I was in a serious
relationship and “going all the way” seemed like the next logical step. My mother was fully supportive of me going on
the pill and utilizing whatever birth control I needed to prevent an "accident." It wasn’t even questioned; it was “being
responsible,” mature, prudent. I was
a good student and had a steady boyfriend, so I wasn’t being particularly devious in my parent’s eyes.
This permissiveness was detrimental for several
reasons. In retrospect I was much much too young to understand the effect
that being sexually active was having on my still-childish psyche. After beginning to engage in sexual activity,
the emotional attachment that unhealthily formed between my boyfriend and I was
intense and ruled by capricious emotional swings. It clouded all judgment and rational
thinking (not that that's in high supply for teenagers to begin with). In hindsight, I can now see perfectly
clearly how sex in the absence of the true commitment of marriage can wreck
tremendous emotional havoc for a couple, let alone confused, immature teenagers. For better or for worse, sex forges deep
emotional bonds between two people. For a
teenage girl, this proved to be disastrous because I didn’t know the first
thing about choosing a good, quality partner.
Instead, I became convinced that I was in love with someone who was
actually of very poor moral character. I
became emotionally attached to a "bad boy" who was too immature and irresponsible to have my best interest at hand. In the right context (marriage), emotional
attachment via sexual union is good and
strengthens the relationship. In the
absence of true commitment, it is a very insecure and tenuous bond that may
break at any moment.
Additionally, I began to experience a myriad of negative
side effects from being on the pill. I
immediately became clinically depressed (not realizing that this is a major
side effect of the pill). After being naturally
thin my whole life, I quickly gained 50 lbs and was on the road to becoming
insulin-resistant. No matter how much I
ate, I was constantly hungry. I felt
sick, nauseous and suffered headaches often.
I also used the morning-after pill numerous times, not realizing that its
abortifacient property causes it to prevent the implantation of an already-fertilized
egg. I even had a cervical diaphragm at
one point. I used condoms and
spermicides liberally. Worst of all of
the methods I employed, I had a copper IUD inserted at a local Planned
Parenthood when I was 18 that caused a tremendous amount of physical pain as well as
recurrent horrific pelvic infections. I was also
unaware that the copper IUD works primarily as an abortifacient by irritating
the uterus and thus preventing a fertilized egg from implanting. To this day, I have no idea whether or not I
ever became pregnant without knowing it.
Without a doubt, the best thing to come out of all of my emotional/physical/relational turmoil was the fact that I began to feel a strong pull to deepen
my relationship with God. I began to read scripture. I learned pretty quickly that sex outside of
marriage was proscribed. It bothered my
conscience to know that I was not obeying God’s teachings, but inwardly, I
pretended to be ignorant. I wanted to do
things my way. I willfully ignored my
conscience, hoping that everything was just going to be fine and "work itself out" in the long run. Deep down, I knew that God wasn’t going to
bless my choice to do the very things that were harming me spiritually,
emotionally, physically. But he was
always there. Waiting.
After much fighting and drama, I finally left behind the bad relationship I had been in.
It was then that I decided to wipe the slate clean and made a commitment to save sex for marriage. I decided I
wanted to follow God completely because “doing it my way” proved disastrous and
painful. There was tremendous peace in
making this decision. My conscience rested. I knew from my previous experience that not getting sexually active before marriage, I would finally be able to really evaluate the character of a
potential spouse and our compatibility instead of getting caught up in
the false attachment that sex can bring.
Instead of focusing on sex, we could focus on really getting to know one another.
I also knew that if my future spouse was also on board with the no-sex-till-marriage
thing, he was a keeper.
At this point, I still hadn’t been enlightened to the
Church’s teaching on birth control and NFP, but I was at least moving in the
right direction for the first time. It wasn’t
until my now husband and I were dating that I finally learned about NFP and the
Church’s teaching on birth control, courtesy of my sister who was a much stronger Catholic than I was. And let me tell you, I was none the least
pleased to learn that the Church was against birth control. I was irritated and skeptical at best.
At the time, the Church’s ban on birth control seemed to me a man-made rule that the Church
was trying to impose on my life. Is it not enough that I’m saving myself for
marriage?! I thought. Now the Church wants me to sacrifice even
more?!?! The idea of having to
periodically abstain sounded impossible!
If Protestant denominations allowed contraception, what could be so bad about
it? I felt that celibate priests were completely out of touch with reality. I couldn’t
see why a married couple using contraception was such a big deal, a sin even! I tried to put it out of my mind, but my
conscience kept nagging at me to dig deeper. So instead of continuing to be angry and dismissive, I finally decided to
actually read up on why the Church taught what it did about NFP/contraception. I read Christopher West’s book The Good News
About Sex and Marriage and was completely floored by the truth. When you come in contact with the truth,
there is no mistaking it. It feels like
your heart has been pierced with, well, truth.
I was blown away by Theology of the Body. I had never heard anything before like it. It was heart wrenchingly beautiful. Revolutionary. Whereas before, I could only see it in terms
of paternalistic rules and regulations, I could now see that the Church truly wants spouses to be one: to experience sexuality in its most elevated and
supreme form. No pretense, no barriers:
experiencing the divine. This was about
total radical self-giving. Instead of it
somehow taking away from me or denigrating me as a woman, NFP elevates and
dignifies a woman and her body just as God masterfully designed it.
This wasn’t about the church trying to insert itself into my bedroom,
this was the church encouraging us to allow God’s grace to flow through and sanctify our
marriage.
I knew that I wanted to experience this beautiful, raw,
radical self-giving love in my future marriage.
I was also very attracted to NFP because it involves no chemicals or devices. After having harmed
by body for years on contraception, I was excited at the prospect of just being
free and completely natural. Never again would I have to find
a condom, device, or doodad when wanting to be intimate with my spouse. No more trying to remember to take a pill that makes me feel like crud and ruins my health. I could never
ever go back to contraception. By the
way, after I stopped taking the pill, I dropped those 50 pounds pretty quickly. My depression and headaches also cleared up. I also won the lotto---ok, ok, only kidding
about that last one. #wishfulthinking
My next task was to inform my new boyfriend that I was only
going to agree to using NFP for my future marriage. This was a make-it-or-break-it moment for us
because if he wasn’t on board with it completely, there was no way it was going
to work out for us. (See, he is a convert and NFP was new to him too).
Much to my happiness, he was totally on board with NFP. I started charting when we got engaged and by
the time we got married, I felt pretty prepared to handle charting and interpreting my cycles.
Granted, after having been on birth control for years, it was admittedly scary letting go of the notion of a safety net and control against the imagined
worst-case scenario of pregnancy. However, in the
past 5 years of marriage, it has worked perfectly
for us. The times that we were
avoiding/postponing pregnancy, it worked perfectly. The two times that we conceived, it worked
perfectly, as in, we got pregnant the first try, both times. (Not to create false hope for couples looking
to conceive, but what can I say, we’re Latin!)
So all in all, it has been a wonderful, and yes, at times
challenging lifestyle. But not
challenging in the where’s-the-closest-bridge-so-I-can-throw-myself-off kind of
way…challenging in the following Christ kind of way. I could never go back to contraception and I
could never recommend anything other than living NFP to plan family size. I'm also happy to report that my mom has also changed her stance on birth control and fully embraces all of the Church’s teachings. God has been good. As a result of my personal experience with
contraception and my return to Catholic living, I felt compelled to share my
story with anyone who’s interested in listening.
I now give talks to engaged couples through my local parish about NFP
and the Church’s teaching on birth control.
Herein lies the purpose of this blog.
I hope you enjoy and never stop challenging yourself and digging deeper
to a more fulfilling and Christ-centered life.
Peace.
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